Fuck. I just had paragraphs here and they went away when my phone rang. I'm tying from my phone in the hospital. I think its still wednesday... around 11pm. Today has been the day from hell. I'm tired and my eyes r a bit blurry so sorry for my grammer and spelling.
In the last 16 hours we went from, mom hopefully better by week end to.... probably won't make it to the end of the week..... FUCK. When I got here they made us put on gloves and masks and gowns just to go in with her. Touching my mom through rubber gloves? Moms breathing has gotten so much worse. Fluid in her lungs. Bloodcell count WAY down. Every piece of her body is slowly shutting down. Being attacked. Being torn up by this little fucker in her body eating away at her.
Why? Why my mom? My mom has ALWAYS been so selfless. Always puts her kids and family before herself. Made so many sacrafices for us. Worked her ass off her entire life to provide for us. To make sure we were taken care of. Why her?
Meeting with the oncologist was bad news. Her degression has been really bad in the last 12 hours. We finally were able to take the gloves and stuff of because it was pointless. Call my brother in from Utah now, not in 2 weeks as planned. Now. We made all of the horrible phone calls. Hell. What do you say to her brother? to her parents that are still living? Just get here.
They came, every person, family, extended family, friends.... every one that could, did. They kissed, said I love you.. all heartbreaking. We took all the great phone calls of everyone sending their love. We soaked up all the hugs and love. She's gonna wait for my brother to get here in the morning, I just know it. So here I sit. On mom watch. Being held responsible to make those calls again tonight if it happens. It... it... i'll be relived in a few hours by one of my wonderful sisters. I sit here on my little keyboard on my phone. My blog is my journal, pages in my diary.... your in my head. Good thing someone is. I'm not. But I'm here holding her hand right where I belong.
3 comments:
So I cannot sleep both of my girls are not at home with me. I can’t stand this I don’t know how to be there for my wife, I hate this moment in my life. I wish I could make you feel better Jamie I wish I could make you feel something other then pain. It is my job and my promise to you to take care of you and our family and I feel helpless in this moment.
I want to be there with you I want to hold you in your moment of need. I want you to feel the comfort of your rock. I want Alana to hold her Mom to help her through this and feel the comfort of her future. I want to say something that will hold our families together through this but the words are too complicated and not my own to help this moment.
I want to have my moment with God………please take care of Mom let her feel no pain and do what you can to giver her time. We miss her, I miss her I had moments with my new Mom and it has been what I love of my new family all smiles and they put up with me. All I ask is for peace let us have these moments and let her have no pain and open her eyes to look at her family and smile through this hurdle of life and transition.
I can only think of the word than you when I see my new family.
Thank you I said this to my Mom Pat tonight, for the daughter she made that loves me today and the daughter I have. Thank you for loving me as your son even though I was shy at the start but I loved that I could make you laugh. I want you to read this Momma Harp just you can put your hands around my neck and tell me you love me. I miss all your words even the ones cursing your daughters believe me its hard for me to put up with them to; you should have a medal for what you had to put up with a Nobel Prize for patience. I love you like I love the beauty of this world, the smile of my daughter the commitment of my wife and the love my own Mom gave me. I love you and will not give up on this I will always create for you, give for you, do for you and be there for you!!!
I am sorry to hear about your mom. My heart goes out to you at this time. Please let me know if you need anything. I will keep you in my prayers.
Much love Arcy
I vote for VICTOR for Husband of the Year!! You are a very lucky gal, Jamie.
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