The people in your life

Some things are for sure, no one will see life through the same lens as you. The last 7 weeks leading up to my dad dying was really stressful in my life. It started with the falls, the hospital. It was an every day worry on how dad was doing, what the doctors were deciding to do with dad. When he would be admitted, when he would be released. Where would he be released to, who has room, who will take a 370 pound man? Talk to the insurance, talk to the case worker at the hospital, calling around myself, madness and stress trying to figure out what to do and help make the best decisions. 

Reba is/was my dad's fiancée who he loved very much. He met her several years ago online and started talking to her all the time. About 3 years ago, she moved down here to live with him. They were both single, cared for each other and were living pretty far apart. They were both in big empty houses themselves and could use the companionship. Obviously at first it was weird talking about my dad having a girlfriend. Not weird because I thought she was going to replace my mom or anything, but just weird because the only person I knew my dad with was my mom. Dad really took to Reba and enjoyed her company. She really loved talking to dad and you could tell that she really cared for him.

Reba was definitely born to be a care taker. From what I know, she took care of her brother her whole life and then when he died, she moved to Corona and took care of dad. The moment I knew Reba was now with dad changed my life. I no longer had to worry about dad being by himself. I didn't have to call to check in on him every single day to make sure he was ok. There was a big weight lifted off of my shoulders personally when Reba moved in with dad. I no longer had to make sure he was getting back and forth to dialysis every day or if he would get enough to eat, or make it to his dr appts. It was like having a live in nurse or care taker for dad, but the nice part was that they enjoyed each others company and liked taking care of each other. 

As the few years went by it was weird hearing dad talk about mom in front of Reba, but she didn't seem to mind. She knew that Pat was his love and he missed her. Somehow it was ok with Reba that dad felt this way. Let me just say, it takes a special woman to be able to put up with dad in the first place, but THEN to still love and care for him while he talked about his dead wife was another thing. Reba was patient with dad and loved hearing his stories about growing up in Brooklyn. She shared his love for old westerns and put up with all the crazy movies and TV he would watch. It was like, they were meant to be there for each other. Day in and day out, Reba would help take care of dad. She would make sure he always had enough food, or his favorite cup of coffee from McDonalds. She kept track of his meds and his appointments with all of his billions of doctors. She kept track of his weight and made sure that he was somewhat sticking to his renal diet, having Kidney Disease and all. She would bake him desserts with less sugar.. she did everything to make him happy. It was sweet and always so loving. 

In the last few year Reba would tell dad she loved him, and he wouldn't say it back to her (in front of us I think) for a while. Him and I had conversations about how he felt about her, but he was always worried about us girls and how we would react to the relationship. Dad finally really opened up to me about Reba and how he loved her. But he didn't really know how to express it without worrying about what we thought. I finally had to tell dad that we see him happy and his love for Reba. It has nothing to do with mom. She's been dead 11 years, it is 100% ok for him to love someone else. No one was replacing mom and we really liked Reba. Dad ended up telling Reba he wanted to marry her and he bought her a nice engagement ring. That def took some getting used to, because it just was weird, but I was happy for my dad. 

Of course I worried, like any daughter would about if they got married, that would mean that would allow her as his wife to make any medical decisions about his life. That was def not something that us girls were ready to give up. But as dad and I chatted about it, I told him that if he wanted to marry Reba, we were all behind him on it, as long as we made some kind of addendum to his will saying that nothing changed when he got married and us girls would still be making those decisions. Dad at some point called it a "pre-nup", you know, for all of his millions. Dad agreed that he did not want that to change so he and Reba talked about it and she agreed to it. She didn't want to be responsible for any of it anyway, she wanted to be married to dad. As a 60 year old woman, she had never really had a boyfriend and had never been married. So we all agreed that once dad got out of the hospital we would talk to the attorney and have some papers drawn up for Reba to sign. My sisters and I would plan a small wedding for them and we would give my dad away to marry Reba. 

It made my heart happy to see the love from my dad. He cared so much for Reba and was very happy when we treated her like family. While he was in the hospital and we talked about random things, he would tell me that he wanted to make sure that Reba had everything she needed and was taken care of. Of course I thought at the time he meant, like food at the house and gas in the van while he was in the hospital. A few weeks before dad died he had reminded me of the safe that was in his house and the money he had put "away" for emergencies. He had told me about it long ago when we were doing the will, but I had forgotten about it. When we talked about selling the house after he passed, I told him none of us could afford the mortgage on the house and I didn't want to have that burden for too long. He was worried about us kicking Reba out day 1 to sell the house. I of course assured him that we would not. We would take care of Reba. Dad said that he wanted her to live there for a year at least, he wanted her to have as much time as possible without making her move, but knowing that she couldn't pay the mortgage and I would be stuck with it, we talked to the attorney and he helped us come up with the 90 day clause in his Will, saying that we would give her 90 days to find a place to live. Dad told me he had saved money and that I would not be stuck with having to pay it. He told me he wanted me to take care of Reba. He made me promise that I would. 

My dad lived very frugal in a beat up house with a beat up van. He barely could pay his bills each month and only did what was needed to be done in any kind of repairs or bill paying. So I knew dad didn't have a stash of money to pay his mortgage for a year. But dad surprised me and had enough money tucked away to take care of it all. When dad passed away I took the safe from the house home with me, knowing his instructions and wants. I of course thought that there was going to be like a thousand dollars in there to take care of his services. I felt like dad never really had a concept of how much things cost and wasn't ever really good with money, so maybe he left a few thousand dollars to cover everything. I had been saving my money personally knowing that I would have to dip into it to take care of the costs if something happened. But that was not the case and it made me very happy to know that dad was looking out for us. He lived a simple life with paying for minimal things while he stashed some serious money away to cover the house and to take care of Reba. I didn't know his end was coming so fast, but I feel like he sure did. He was very specific about giving me instructions on where to find the key only about 2 weeks before he died. 

I blog because I like to document what is going on and how I remember things now, and not in years from now. This blog post has been weighing on me because I want to remember how much Reba meant to dad. She was not just a live in nurse or someone to take care of him. She started out as a companion for dad, someone to live with, someone to talk to, someone to share his stories with. But her love for dad was amazing to me and he loved her back. Reba took the BEST care of my dad, more than anything I could have ever done for him. She would rub his back and his feet. If you've seen my dads feet, you know what a task that would be and there was no way in hell I was getting close to them. But Reba loved dad so much that she didn't see his gross feet. She saw a man that she loved that needed a foot rub. 

That's really what love is right? Putting someone else's needs before your own and caring for them. That was Reba. She loved dad so much and the moment she stepped into his life I didn't have to worry about him being taken care of, because she was there for him. I promised my dad I would do the same and take care of her. I will 100% live up to that promise.

His Dego baby..

 So... my dad died. The month leading up to his death was very stressful. He fell one evening at the house and Life Alert called me to let me know an ambulance was on the way. He was walking to get into bed and his knees gave out and he fell between the bed and the wall. All 370 pounds of him to the ground. Lucky for him 5 big strong EMT's and Firefighters, were able to get him up and into bed. Thank God for the Corona Police/Fire/EMT department. He ended up going in the ambulance so he could get his knees checked out at the hospital. Xrays showed nothing broken so they gave him some Tylenol and sent him home that night. The next day he was in his restroom and fell again. He again headed to the hospital after being lifted by many men to get him off the ground. 

He spent the next 12 hours in the Corona ER. I got there around 3:30pm to hang out with him until they were able to get him into a room. He needed dialysis for the day, which they can't do in the ER, so between his legs issues and needing dialysis, they decided to admit him. For 5 hours I sat in the ER with him to keep him company. We had our masks on, I saw a dead on arrival come in... the ER was a bit crazy that evening. The nurse that was their for her shift was so sweet and made dad as comfortable as he could be. Dad would dose in and out, he was telling me stories of, everything and anything. Since his knees were in such pain, I sat by the bed and rubbed my dads left knee for HOURS. He keep telling me how good it felt, better than any pain killers they gave him. Just for me to rub my warm hand over his knee. So I kept doing it. It would make him fall asleep. They didn't have compression socks or anything for him in the ER so I would get up and rub both of his legs and even try to rub his feet. The blankets were nice and warm and as long as I kept up with his knee rubbing he was comfortable. 

Dad was in the story telling mood, I mean, I guess he always is... He was telling me about him, his brothers and his cousins going out dancing. He told me about a night when my mom came out dancing with them... but she was still involved with her husband at the time, so it was more of a friend kind of thing, but he really had the hots for her anyway. I was able to record some of the story, but it's just of dad laying in a hospital bed, with a mask on his face and it's hard to make out what he is saying, but it was a sweet story to be there in person for. A male nurse had come in and out a few times and was chatting it up with me to be friendly. My dad was convinced the was hitting on me. It made me laugh. Dad was kinda weird about it knowing that I'm married, he wasn't super happy about it, but we both had a good laugh at it anyway. 

Finally at about 10:30pm or so, they got dad a room to be admitted to. This was early November so Covid cases were pretty low, still around, but at that point hadn't climbed back up yet. I told dad I was going to wait with him until he got moved to a room. The hospital would allow me to be with him in the ER, but once the got moved to a room, they were very strict on visiting hours because of Covid. So I stayed until they came to get him and I watched as they wheeled him away down the hall to the elevator to take him to a room.

Because the hospital was so strict on visiting hours, they were also very strict on visitors in general. You could only have one a day. So Reba and I swapped off days, she would go the next day and then I went the next. I got there at 4 and knew I could only stay until 8. That night dad was pretty tired but we decided to turn on the TV and see what was on. Grease came on and we both wanted to watch it! The best part of this visit was that when "Summer nights" started dad and I both started to sing! He was, of course Danny, and I sang the part of Sandy. We sang the entire song as a duet and it was fun. We laughed at each other, especially at the end when the pitch went up and neither of us could hit the note, but we both tried. I'm sure dogs were howling somewhere. I took my last picture with dad that night. It's one of my favorites I think.

In the next few days I heard from multiple doctors, the heart Dr said that since he had been there, they had been monitoring his heart. The beating of his heart would stop for longer then they were comfortable with and recommended that they put in a pacemaker. It was going to be a very easy procedure. The pacemaker is an ounce and is the size of a silver dollar. Dad had the surgery that Thursday morning. Everything went well and it was all pretty fast. The doctors knew that dad couldn't come home, because he couldn't even stand or walk. They told us that they would send him to a rehab place to get better, have some PT and then come home. 

The next day was full of phone calls back and forth to his case worker, the hospital, Primecare and the facility he was going to go to. I was pushing for them to find a place where they could do dialysis and PT. It was nearly impossible to find. There were even places that wouldn't take him because he was over 300 pounds and they can't accommodate people that large. Who knew it would have been such a pain in the butt to meet all this criteria to just get him into a rehab place to get him better? Our choices were very limited and we found ONE place that would take him. This place did not have dialysis there so now he was going to have to be transported from there to dialysis 4 times a week. It all just add another layer of complication onto everything we were already dealing with. So, to Villa Mesa in Upland he went. 

They called to confirm everything from his diet, to his meds and everything in between. I had to sign a hundred page document after he got there. I clicked through all the pages late at night and read most of what was on there and just signed away... He was there, he was safe, and would get some physical therapy to help him get his strength back in his legs. 

The next 3 weeks there would be a crazy rollercoaster. The place wasn't great. They constantly gave him food he was not supposed to have on his renal diet. They failed to provide him with snacks when leaving for dialysis like they should have. Transportation they arranged to get him from Upland to Corona 4 times a week sucked. They were late most of the time. More on this place at a later day when I send them my 5 pages of complaints. 

Day 20 arrived and they came in to tell dad that according to the insurance and the facility, he hadn't made much progress and so they were sending him home. I immediately broke down and cried thinking about them sending him home and him falling again and going through this whole LONG process all over again. 3 weeks in this place and they hadn't done enough PT with him for him to even stand up, let alone walk. I know you are thinking, how has he been there 3 weeks and still can't walk? The place had so many issues. Dad was in a separate building from everyone else because he had to go back and fourth to dialysis and could bring covid in at anytime. Where the rest of the facility just stayed in with no visitors, so they were all in the main building and dad was in a second building. This building unfortunately had no PT room for dad to use, and he couldn't use the one in the main building because of Covid. So the PT that dad did, about 3 days a week was in his room with very little movement. It was a shit show from the beginning. From them sending in a little scrawny guy to get dad up and try to get him to walk with no bands, nothing to help dad and this tiny little guy for support for a 370 pound man. Right.... they also would come in right after dad got back from dialysis when he needed some time to rest, they say they would come back later and then didn't. PT there was a JOKE.

Back to day 20, time to send dad home.... HOW IN THE WORLD do you expect a 370 pound man who can't even walk, to be able to go home? What the fuck was this world coming to when anyone thought that was OK? The case worker at Villa Mesa told me that I could file an appeal. She said, they rarely deny appeals and it would keep dad there at least another week. He needed at least another week to gain some more progress. So, in high hopes we could win an appeal and keep him there for a bit longer, I called right away to start the process. It was 8pm that night and I wasn't prepared for all the questions they were going to ask me about why he should stay and why they should approve it. I felt ok about what I said, but I'm sure there was some more room for better reasons, but it had been such a long emotional day, I just didn't feel great about it. BUT both the lady from Primecare and the lady from the Facility told me these rarely get denied so I felt ok about it. 

Saturday evening came and I got the call that they denied my appeal and he would have to go home on Sunday. Again, so emotional and pissed the fuck off, I had to call my dad to tell him I was sorry that it got denied. I just couldn't understand how they could send him home in the condition he was in. It was unsafe for him. Dad, of course, met my call with silver lining. He GOT TO GO HOME. Something he had been looking forward to, no matter what shape he was in. He wanted to go home. He had been away from home for over a month now. A weekish in the hospital and 3 more in the rehab facility. He missed Reba and his dogs and really just wanted to be at home. 

So many unanswered questions because it was the weekend, none of the equipment had been ordered for dad yet, so he was coming home to a house that was not equipped to handle him yet. We had to come up with a plan... I found a transportation company and paid for it on my own because it wasn't covered by his insurance, just to get dad home. Victor and I went to the house about 4pm to start cleaning and getting it ready for dad to come home. We knew he was getting a bed and a lift for the living room so we mostly just helped make room and clean all the dust and cobwebs so dad would be comfortable in the living room. The equipment coming to the house was another shit show... promised there on Sunday, it did not arrive until Weds... 

Sunday night about 8:30pm, dad finally arrives home. I cried when they brought him in, I was so happy to see him, but to also know how happy he was to be home. Reba and I decided that dad sleeping in the recliner until we got the bed for the living room was going to be the best idea. We had to get dad from his wheelchair to his recliner, that was our last task of the night. This was no little task and might have been the most stressful thing I have done in a long time. We wheeled him as close to the recliner as we could get. All dad had to do was "stand up", meaning pull himself up on his walker, pivot back a step or two and then sit himself in his recliner that was already in the standing position for him. Sounds so simple. We had to get dad motivated and we all pretended there was no question in our mind that he could do it. Victor standing in front of the walker, so dad knew it wouldn't move. Me, using every muscle in me to hold dad under his arm and lift and Reba standing behind him holding onto his shorts in a lifting position... we all counted and watched dad take EVERY single muscle in his body and every piece of willing his body to get the strength to do it. About half way there, he looked like he was gonna give up and fall back into the wheelchair and we all got louder and cheered him on, all the while, pulling on his arm as much as I could to help get him standing. With all his might, he stood up from wheelchair and held onto the walker. We pivoted and got him into his recliner. He sat down and laid back and my dad, Reba and myself all cried. It was seriously so stressful to just get him into his recliner that night. BUT dad was home and he was so happy. He was right where he wanted to be. He smiled so big. I took a picture of him laying on the recliner to send to Aunt Toni and my sisters to let him know he was home and safe and sound. It was a big relief but also in the same breath a whole different worry I had. 

Monday was dads "rest" day from dialysis. We talked on the phone so many time a day at this point, it was just normal to hear from him or at least Reba twice a day. Dad was still so happy to be home where Reba could make him breakfast and take care of him again. Tuesday dad was picked up by a transportation company and taken to dialysis and brought back home. I got a call that day from dad saying that when he was in the lift there, he was close to being dropped. They didn't drop him but he thought they were going to. He was not happy about it. I told Reba to call down to the place and tell them, there was nothing I could do about it. Maybe they needed some retraining with the lift, or maybe dad thought it just felt like it. That day while dad was still there, I had called him and he was speaking all kinds of gibberish. It worried the hell out of me, so I told dad to hand the phone to the nurse. Apparently his blood pressure was just really low and when he is like that he is a bit out of his mind until the meds kick in and his blood pressure goes back up. 

Wednesday morning before sunrise, Reba hears dad calling out for him. She comes running out to find him on the floor. Dad apparently was dreaming about the lamp talking to him and somehow in the middle of night, got the remote for the chair and had it lift him all the way up to a standing position, while sleeping. He slid down the foot of the recliner and ended up hanging out on the floor until the ambulance came to do a "lift assist". Dad's sleep apnea and his wild vivid dreams is a whole different blog post coming someday.

Dad decided that he was going to skip dialysis this morning because of the way they lifted him yesterday and he just didn't feel like going today. Weds was technically his "added" day where he was only there for 2 hours, so he could skip it and not much would happen. Finally this day, his equipment would be delivered after days of broken promises from everyone about his equipment being ordered stat, about when it would be delivered... finally it arrived at the house. A bariatric bed and a hoyer lift were the two things we all really cared about right at the moment. A big sigh of relief came over me when I knew those two were there so now we could help him with the lift safely move around now. Wednesday evening comes around and Sid was at the house to help move dad for the first time using the lift. Sid is a friend of my dad and Reba who had been around the last year helping them with pretty much anything that needed to be done around the house. Sid had used the hoyer lift with his mom before and knew how to work out so he was nice enough to come help Reba. 

Victor, the kids and I had just finished up dinner and some dessert at the house when my phone rang at 7:52pm and it was the number for Life Alert. I knew something was wrong and immediately started to get up off the couch. Someone had pushed the button but no one was answering at the house when they called. I hung up with them and called my dads cell phone. Reba answered it and yelled, Jamie, he just stopped breathing. My heart sank into my chest. She told me the ambulance was either on their way, or they were there, so I told her to get in the ambulance with him and go. Don't leave him, we were on our way. The second I heard Reba's voice I ran up the stairs and grabbed my shoes, my wallet and my water bottle as Victor threw on his shoes and we were out the door in 10 seconds. 

I hung up with Reba and called Jacquie, twice... she wouldn't answer, so I called Donovan. All the while, I'm hyper ventilating and can barely see my phone or hear anything. I'm telling Victor how to get to the hospital and to just drive fast but get us there safely. Thank God Donovan answered his phone. I said, "I need my sister". He handed her the phone, I told her dad stopped breathing and then clicked over to 3 way Julie in. I told them all I knew, which wasn't a lot. I was a wreck and I already knew it was going to be bad. They were calm and assured me it would be ok. There was something about the way Reba said to me "he stopped breathing" that I just knew it was bad. I told them I would call them back the second I got to the hospital and hung up and called my Aunt Toni, she was on the phone with Reba and said they still had him at the house so to go there instead. I called my dads neighbor Marc to ask if the ambulance was still there or if they had left with dad yet. He said they were still there and from what he could tell, it didn't look good. My heart sank even more. We pulled onto Acacia and there were firetrucks, cop cars and an ambulance all in front of the house. My body was shaking and I don't remember breathing. Victor didn't even get to stop the car before I hopped out and ran into the house. 

This blog post is the reason I blog. I don't always remember things, so for things that are important to me, I like to blog so I can remember down the road what happened and how things unfolded, because leaving that to my memory is a bad idea. This is where rivers of tears are just coming out of my eyes as I continue to type.

I run into the house to find my dad laying on the ground with several people standing around him giving him CPR to keep his heart beating. I stand and watch for a few moments before a police officer tries to get me to come into the kitchen to talk so I don't stand there and watch them. I can't explain the reason I needed to stand there and watch it all end, but I just did. I couldn't walk away from it. I stood for about 10 minutes and just looked, I called my sisters and had them on 3 way just on my phone as I stood there. I answered whatever questions were coming my way, directing them mostly to Reba, as she was there and had his list of medications out. There were probably 7-8 men standing over dad on the floor, taking turns giving him CPR. A few times they would all take their hands off of him and yell "clear" and shock him. A gentlemen came over to me and Reba at some point and said they have been trying to get his heart beating again for 20 minutes and honestly it wasn't looking good. I had to walk out of the house at that point to call my sisters again. 

Jacquie answered first and I said the same words to her and he said to me and the screech that came out of her mouth followed by the loud, mourning crying was hard to deal with. It was like out of a movie and the actress just found out the love of her life died. It was just another punch in the gut to hear... I had no choice but to click over and 3 way Julie. As JQ was balling and screaming I had to repeat the words again and wasn't even sure Julie could hear me over JQ. At some point I told JQ to put the phone down so I could talk to Julie, I had to make sure she heard what I needed to say. At that point I had to walk back into the house with them both on the phone still. The EMT's were still doing CPR and trying to get his heartbeat back. Both my sisters on the phone were yelling into the phone, just tell them to stop. He's already gone, just tell them to stop. I asked them if they can please stop now. They had to get the OK from the hospital to stop. I pulled out his binder with his will and trust in it and said, I have power of attorney for him, please stop. They fumbled through the binder and asked my name and finally got the OK to stop. They did CPR on him and tried to get his pulse back for 30 minutes. Time of death was 20:32, Dec 9, 2020. 

It was horrific to watch, but like a car crash, you just can't turn away. Your dad is laying dead on the ground and people are trying to revive him and I just couldn't stop watching. I needed to be able to tell my sisters what was going on and how it all ended. It was an out of body experience to say the least. I've had a few of them and this one was crazy. I can't unsee any of it and wouldn't, given the opportunity to do it over again. The next few hours are somewhat of a blur. Reba was there, Victor was there, Pastor Steve came. I made a few phone calls. I may or may have not threatened to go against what the cops told me I could and couldn't do and could have gotten tackled right there in the living room. 

We had to wait to see if they were going to release dad to the coroners office or a mortuary. With all dads health problems there was no need for him to go to the coroners office so I had to call Thomas Miller to come pick him up. Pastor Steve and Reba both got on the ground by dad. Pastor prayed over him and Reba reached down to kiss his forehead. I tried to do the same. It was weird, it felt weird. It was just his body. He had left a bit ago and was now sitting in heaven with my mom. But I knew it was the last time that I could touch him so I did. I told him to give mom a big hug from us and that I loved him so much. I ran my fingers through his old grey hair for the last time. The blanket covered his face and I didn't want to uncover it. I had seen him on Sunday, happy as a clam to be home. I had just seen him for the last 20 minutes while they tried to get his heart beating. I didn't need to kiss a dead body. 

The last EMT/Firefighter left the house as I stood outside and thanked each one of them personally. Thanked them for trying to revive dad and spending so much time trying to save him. I thanked them for all the trips they had made to the house before today to help him and lift him. I was calm, it was over, everyone was leaving. It was blurry. 

Thomas Miller was there in about 15 minutes. I realized as they walked in with the two of them that I had failed to mention he was 370 pounds... They were super nice about it and said they would just call for back up. Their back up was in Long Beach so it would be about 45 minutes before they were there. I spent the next 45 minutes pacing back and fourth up and down the street outside talking on the phone. I called Chrissy and Crystal. I talked again to Aunt Toni and both my sisters. Those really were the only people I needed to talk to at that time. I came to realize that dad died at home right in his living room with Reba by his side, right where he wanted to be. Right where he should have been. He wasn't still at the rehab facility where he "should" have been if they didn't deny my appeal. It hit me hard that things happen for a reason, which I already know, but at the time you don't see it. I was livid when they wanted to send dad home and even more livid when they denied our appeal. Little did I know God had another plan for dad. He needed him at home, he needed dad at peace. 

When the rest of the gang from Thomas Miller showed up, we stepped out of the house so I didn't have to see the shit show that was about to go down as the 5 of them had to get dad off the ground onto their gurney that was clearly made for a small/normal person. We all but clapped as they came out of the house with dad strapped down onto the gurney and all covered up. That was that. He was on his way to the morgue. I would never see him again. That empty shell had been vacated and he was now in the place where he has waited his entire life to go.

Reba would tell me the story of what went down. Sid and Reba were moving dad from the recliner to the bed and when in the lift he said he couldn't breath very well, so they put him back down, waited a few minutes and then tried again. They got dad up in the lift and almost over to the bed when he was looking at Reba in front of him and then his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he stopped breathing. Reba hit her life alert button but couldn't get through to anyone. They were calling the house and she was trying to get to them. Dad in the lift still, she grabbed the house phone, pulled out the plug to stop the busy signal trying to get out, plugged it back in and dialed 911. They told her to put him down on the bed out of the lift and had Sid start CPR on him until the ambulance got there. Reba said, one minute he was looking at her and the next he was gone. It was fast and I'm sure he felt no pain. His heart just stop beating and never came back to us. That call from life alert at 7:52, he had just left his body. There was nothing anyone could do at that point. He was home with my mom. 

The Great Quarantine 2020

March 11^th was our last day at work at the RSC. The day before we were told that we would be “testing” a working from home day on Thursday to see if our system could handle everyone in the building logging into the VPN and working from home. No one was really sure what was going to come out of the “testing” working from home day. A few hours into Thursday working from home we were asked to take a short survey on how working from home was going. Later Thursday afternoon the decision was made that we were now working from home until further notice. Unless there was a reason for us to come back into the building, that was that. We were allowed to come in on Friday if we needed to grab something. I was a pro at working from home at this point so I took everything I needed with me. There was no need to go back into the building for me.

That Friday afternoon March 13^th the School district also said that the kids last day at school would be today! And just like that, homeschooling started at the drop of a dime along with me working from home. Not being able to sleep Thursday night because I was so stressed out, I placed a Vons pick up order for Sunday morning so I knew I would be covered for food. Honestly the only thing that stressed me out about this entire thing was the fact that I was going to be at home with the kids for weeks, maybe months and wanted to make sure I had food they would eat. They are totally the kids that will stand in front of the fridge or the cabinet full of food and say there is nothing to eat. They are pretty picky, so I wanted to make sure we had food in the house that they would eat. I loaded up my cart on vons.com with ramen, Hawaiian sweet rolls, frozen pizzas and lunchables. As we went through the weekend I kept telling myself not to worry about shopping because Sunday morning I was going to pick up everything at Vons curbside. So as the madness continued in the stores and the shelves were being picked through and pretty much emptied at that point, I stayed away and waited for Sunday morning. 30 minutes before my 9am pick up I got a call from Vons saying, they were out of 90% of what I ordered and there was a line wrapped around the building to get into Vons this morning. My heart sunk into my chest. I had not been shopping all weekend because I did my shopping online and was ready to pick up my order! How could this happen? A part of me was not surprised at all, with how everyone was being crazy and hoarding everything and anything they could find. But at the same time, I thought Vons would have gotten my items together for me before that started. But they did not. So in a panic, I got dressed and went to Staters down the street. Knowing my kids were going to be home for a few weeks AT LEAST I grabbed what I could. Pulling into the parking lot it wasn’t horrible and even in the store people weren’t crazy, but there were a lot of people. The paper goods isle was wiped completely, the can food isle had very little, but I was able to get some cans of soup that I knew I would eat and that the kids would eat if they were hungry. I was able to snag a few things of ramen, which Alana eats all the time, but people were just hoarding them because they last and they are non-perishable. I just wanted some because my kids eat them, not to hoard them “just in case”. There was no milk and no eggs and very little bread. It was one of the craziest things I had seen yet. A store with empty shelves. It was like the end of the world movie that you watched. Spot on.

When I got home from Staters that morning I was stocked up and ready to take on the world at that point. I knew that I had enough food in my house to keep us fed for some time so no matter what the world was going to throw at me, we would be good. It’s amazing how much stress something like that can make. I knew I would have to go out and get the essentials again at some point, but if all the stores closed that day and didn’t reopen for months, I would be able to feed the kids and we would get by! That’s what was stressing me out the week before. I didn’t sleep, my stress level was through the roof thinking about it all. But here I was with a full pantry and peace of mind. I didn’t hoard, I didn’t take away from anyone else needing anything, I just got enough to give me peace and feed my babes.

Monday came around and I was ready to hit the pavement running. The kids may not totally understand all that is going on in the world right now, but I have been determined to make sure their world, the little bubble that they live in, wasn’t going to be a crazy world. They need consistency and I need a schedule, so the 3 of us sat down and came up with a daily schedule that we all agreed upon. There would be school time, defined. Every hour we would switch activities so that there was not too much of anything for one day. I wanted to make sure we started the day out right so our first thing after breakfast has been a walk around the neighborhood. We all still have to get dressed, brush our teeth, put our shoes on and go out for a walk. The fresh air, the sun, the quietness of the neighborhood, the birds chirping, all of that helps to start out our day in a positive way! We walk, we talk, we say nothing. We look at our neighborhood and we are thankful to be in a great one! Some of our walks are very quiet and some we talk about our dreams the night before, or what we are going to do today. Its my favorite part of our schedule.

As we round back to the house we dive right into school time. The kids can read their library books for 30 minutes and then have paper packets of work to do from the school. Which turned into lessons on the chromebooks the second week. Thank goodness. Alana is a godsend! She just does her work and her lessons and doesn’t complain about them. Jack on the other hand is not the biggest fan of doing school work, so somedays it’s a bit more challenging for us, but when all is said and done, he has been so good. After school time it’s creative time. The hour can include anything they want to do that is creative (not on electronics). My cousin, knowing that the kids will be home, had ordered a bunch of random stuff online ahead of time. Clay, board games, thins to paint and anything she can think of. I order new coloring books, new gel pens and a few new puzzles. I figured it would keep us all occupied for however long we needed to be! The kids love the creative hour. Alana will either paint or draw, Jack plays with legos or builds something out of clay. All of this time they are occupying themselves leaves me time to work from home. Take my calls, do some work and answer my emails. More on working from home later. Lunch time is at noon and the kids eat something small and have that hour to do whatever they want. It’s free time for them. That has included, TV time, playing on the ipad and just vegging out. Jack is pretty good at calling out our time on the hour. I think he likes the schedule the best because he knows each hour he can do something different. Some of the hours are NOT his favorite but he still calls us out on the hour to change! 1pm is chore time! I made a list of chores in the house the first week and the kids checked them off all on the first few days. They were pretty intentional about getting them all done so they could move onto something else. Daily includes making your bed, picking up the floor in their bedrooms, unloading/loading the dishwasher and doing their laundry. This has come in handy for the larger things I wanted to get done, like cleaning up the garage or cleaning out their closets or under the desk. This week I made Alana vacuum her side of the room and Jack did his. Both of them learned more of the technique for vacuuming that I was never really able to teach them before. And yes, there is a technique. Teaching them these little things I think will be very valuable to them as they grow into adults. At least, that is my hope for them.

Another hour of school time follows chores (that’s a tough 2 hour block some days). But they only have to do school work for 2 hours a day which is not bad at all. I honestly don’t think the school is holding them accountable for any of it at this point and I don’t care if they do or do not. I want my kids to know that this is our schedule and they still have school work to do. This is not summer time where they get a break, this is not Spring Break and this is NOT a time for them to just be lazy and play on electronics all day. Honestly it gives us all something to do and keeps their mind busy and learning! The next hour is outside/quiet time. Normally this is our afternoon walk around the neighborhood. Alana will most likely skate, Jack will scooter. We have stopped over at Jack’s friend’s house a time or two while they are outside and Jack and Kai will play basketball and his mom and I will sit and chat. Nice break from being locked up in the house. This afternoon time has also been something as simple as us laying out on the lawn reading a book, coloring and just enjoying the sunshine. We also have been playing a lot of catch. Being outside on the lawn soaking up the vitamin D has been life changing for me. The Sun always just makes me happy, and spending the time outside with the kids has been priceless.

This time outside normally goes longer than our hour scheduled and it works out great. Sometimes our neighbor that is just getting off of work will come play catch with us or just come to chat. I love to sit outside and see all of the families walking by. There are bikes, strollers, runners, you name it, and everyone is out doing the same lap in our neighborhood to get out! The other day we wrote with chalk in every square of our sidewalk we could. Alana came up with her favorite Beatles song lyrics to write, Jack drew some hearts and sayings like “follow your dreams”. I did a few inspirational quotes. We wanted to make people smile as they walked by our house. We drew flowers and hearts and anything positive we could think about! 4pm starts the electronics hour for them. The kids can veg out on the ipad or old phone or whatever they want to do for that hour. I am able to catch up on the days work and button anything up that I needed to do for the day and start to plan what tomorrows work looks like.

The schedule for me has been a life saver to be honest. It’s kept the kids on track, it’s kept them doing their work, being creative and forcing us all to get outside. Even in the rain, we took our umbrellas with us! Our schedule has worked great for the first two weeks so far! I am super flexible when we need to be. If I have a call for work or the kids are in the middle of something fun, I’m not being super strict about it. I am trying to only do about half of everything on Friday’s. Since I am supposed to be done by 1 on Friday’s anyway, the kids only do 1 school hour and we try to do other things on Fridays. So far so good. I have to say how fricken proud I am of my kids. They are totally embracing this and not giving me as much grief as I thought I was going to have to take. I am super grateful for the two of them right now.

My boss in the last year has been one of the best bosses I have had thus far in my career anywhere. He will never read this so it’s ok to brown nose about him here! He is just in general such a happy and positive person and has been so amazing through all of the family drama that I have had going on in the last year, not to mention how awesome he has been through this working from home time. He put video calls on the calendar every Monday and Friday to connect with us. Our team is little, it’s just the 4 of us, so it’s nice to check in a few times a week with them to, a) see their faces and b) hear their voices. But my boss is always so gracious! Checking in with us personally, asking about the kids, our lives. He is just so much more than a boss and I am so grateful to have him during this time. He lives at home with his fiancé and his two cats and honestly could not be handling his team any better than he is.

One thing about being quarantined from work, from friends, from family, has been interesting video conference calls. Most have been on Teams, but mine have been on Zoom, because I like it better! I have been able to facetime with JQ and the girls to just see them. I had such a fun happy hour with Crystal and Sarah, where we all had a few drinks and just sat and chatted to the computer at each other. Super weird to do, but at the same time it’s like we were just sitting in a room all together. I will admit, there was no dancing, which was boring, but maybe a few more drinks it and we could have all been dancing to the camera. It’s weird because you think because your friends are safe and they aren’t sick, that we could just all meet up and have a happy hour in the park or something. But that’s not how, staying at home works and I know we are all doing our best to do our part and stay home and not meet up. It’s still really annoying to know that we can’t. I miss my besties and I miss our sushi nights. What I wouldn’t give for wine and sushi with Crystal and Sarah right now!

I’ve had a few calls with Ashley, one with Bahar, it’s so nice to see everyone! I had lunch with my friend from work, Sarah who is pregnant but she hasn’t told anyone, so it was fun to catch up with her and just see her face! I kind of love and hate the video calls because it makes me want to do my hair and look somewhat presentable, but then sometimes I don’t care and my hair is in a shit bun. Either way, the video calls have been interesting. BUT, I MISS MY PEEPS.

Speaking of peeps, Easter is going to be hell of weird this year with no family. Both of my sisters are in AZ and we can’t even go to my Mother in laws house. Chrissy is going to get a ham and we will make the baskets and stuff here at the house for the kids. I even got eggs to hide for them. Sarah said that we can dye eggs together on Saturday, which has been our tradition for a few years now. All on video of course. Haha. Should be interesting, will post about it later.

Last week CA, and the school district announced that the kids will NOT, I repeat, will NOT be returning to school this year. They will be “distant learning” from here on out. Good God. This means lesson plans online only. School work done on the computer only and mom has to help and monitor all of this while I try to work from home and balance this crazy life. I think Alana is a tad bit sad that she won’t get to “promote” from 6^th grade. But 6^th grade isn’t normally that big of a thing so she will be just fine. I’m honestly feeling so horrible for all the parents and kids that are seniors in HS this year. For them it means, no senior prom, no senior ditch days with friends, no graduation. It’s like you worked all of your life (thus far) to graduate and then you can’t even do that. It’s got to be so heart breaking for them and their parents. Grateful to have my kids this age during this crazy year.

With all of this time at home with my kids and all the special things we get to do together I am a little concerned for reasons probably most people aren’t. 1, I’ve spend months trying to get them to make new friends and socialize at their new school because they are the new kids. Jack especially has had such a hard time and I feel like I’ve worked so hard to get him new friends this year, to get him ok with getting up and going to school every day. Getting him to know and respect the teachers… and now this. It’s like next year for him will be all new again. New teachers, new everything. I pray that everything that I have done over the last few months to help him adjust rolls over to 2^nd grade, but I’m sure I am dreaming. Alana has been, just ok, as far as adjusting. She has mentioned lately that the girls that she hangs out with this year “don’t like her”. Which breaks my Fricken heart. Yes, all of those girls have bonded with each other since kindergarten and then she comes along in 6^th grade and might feel like the one left out. But hopefully it doesn’t get any worse now that she won’t be returning to school this year. The crazy thing is that when she does return to school she will be in middle school, new friends, new school, all new teachers, classes. Everything will be totally new anyway so maybe this is what’s best. It’s not like I get a choice, so it is just what it is. (That was a long #1)

#2 reason I am concerned about things that normal people probably aren’t is the fact that I am staying home with my kids and spending pretty much every waking moment with them. Let’s be real, before this I was dying for Victor to take the kids for a few days at a time so I could have a break. But then this craziness started and I honestly don’t want them to be away from me. I don’t want them to be exposed to anything without me. I don’t want them to be somewhere where I am not. I definitely turned into wanting to make sure they are ok at ALL times. It’s like something weird (prob just normal mother instinct?) but it just took me over in a crazy way. Not crazy enough to have them sleeping in my bed with me or anything crazy like that, but just wanting to make sure they are home with me so I can feed them and protect them and make sure no harm comes to them. So where is my concern? At some point this will all be over, the RSC will open back up and I am going to have to go back to work and leave them. Leave them with Victor, leave them with Grandma, leave them at home. Whatever our summer looks like, I am going to have to go back to work and leave them. It’s been over 3 weeks now and I’m not sure how I am going to feel when we have to go back to real life. I am going to have major withdrawals from them and I’m thinking that might be a two way street. Or maybe they will be thankful for the time apart at some point. But I honestly think we have such a good thing going right now that they enjoy being here more than they have in the last year. We will see how all this crazy turns out. It will be so interesting to read these words in a year from now to know how my life was in these moments. Never in my life did I think I would be here right now saying that I want to spend every waking moment with my kids and never let them go anywhere, cause that’s not me. But this day we live in right now in this moment is weird and crazy and so unpredictable.

During this quarantine some of my favorite memes have come out. People have the time to sit and think up funny shit to post and it’s been great! I don’t normally share or care about them but they have just been so good lately, posting some here so that they live on forever!

This blog post is going to be LOOONNGGG and it’s going to be all over the place, but so is the rest of my life, and no one is really reading this anyway, so who the F cares. About two weeks ago I got an email from work saying that someone at the RSC that I had come in contact with had the Corona Virus… meaning, they had it before we left work and they didn’t know they did and I was in direct contact with them. Honestly scared the crap out of me. The day before I got that email I was so sure that no one I knew had it and it was weird. I feel like I know a lot of people and not one person I knew had it? I said that out loud a few times that day and then, BAM, the next day a co-worker has it. They never told us who, I assume at some point we will find out, but maybe not. By the time I got the email it was just one day shy of the 14 day period and I hadn’t shown any symptoms, so I felt safe after I thought about it for a minute, but still was kind of a slap in the face after my “I know a lot of people and no one I know has it”. Here I sit going into week 4 of quarantine and I’m sure we aren’t seeing the worst of it here in CA yet. So I will just pray that everyone I know is safe and doesn’t get it.

I wish I could say that I am eating healthy and exercising with all this extra time that I have, but I am doing the opposite for sure. I am an emotional eater which is NOT helpful at all by any means. I eat when I am bored and God knows I’m bored as hell, so it’s been interesting. I pray I don’t come out of this 300 pounds, but I can’t call that right now. I am getting out at least twice a day to walk the neighborhood and sometimes I skate with the kids. I need to start my ass running again, but just haven’t had the drive to lately. That would help with all this eating I am doing!

This 4^th week is Spring break for the kids, so I’m only working a few days, I’ve promised them no school work for the week and our schedule is going to change. But I am going to add in some writing time and some other things so it doesn’t feel like school but it keeps them engaged.

Goals for the next few weeks: Teach the kids how to type (by covering their fingers) old school techniques. Get more mail out to people to make them happy. Spend less time on my phone. Run at least twice this next week.

He didn't have to be

When I first met Victor, his family was one of the things that attracted him to me. He loved hanging out with his family and they were amazing. Each one of them had their own strengths and I knew from that moment on that I would love them each with all of my heart and no matter what, they would always be family to me. 17 years later that holds true. 

When Victor was very young his mom left his dad. She ended up marrying Oscar, who had been a friend. Oscar stepped into Victors life as his dad when he was around 4 years old. One of the very first things Victor told me about Oscar was that he was the dad and the Grandpa that he didn't have to be. Oscar had no blood relation to any of them, but chose to be the Father figure that they needed. Brad Paisley sings a song called "He didn't have to be" and Victor said that song always reminded him of Oscar. 

In my life of knowing Oscar, he has always been a man of little words. Not because he didn't speak English well, but because he just didn't have a whole lot to say. He would be the first one to give me a hug when I came into the house. His hugs were big, warm and always very welcoming, like he wanted to hug me. He would sit on the couch and watch TV, he loved Soccer and old Westerns. Anything black and white or John Wayne. 

He was a grandbaby lover! This man would take any baby out of your arms and love on them. He was the secret behind "Grandma's house" and loving on all of his grandkids. With both of my kids, we relied on Grandma and Grandpa a lot to help. Although I think Grandma always got all of the credit for "watching" the kids, Grandpa was always the one behind the scenes making sure everything was taken care of. 

Oscar would sit at the kitchen table and sort through beans. Alana would love to sit there and help him as well. She learned how to pick out the bad beans before they went into the pot to be cooked.  

Oscar was always the person to ask about my family. How is your mom, or how is your dad doing? Is he healthy? Always wishing the best for them. 

Oscar would sit and chat with the neighbor who spoke very little English as well. He was Vietnamese. Somehow the two of them spoke to each other in some random ways that I will never understand. Lots of random hand gestures and grunting I can imagine. 

Oscar was the person that I would call when Victor needed to be straightened out and he would come over and talk to him. He always tried to give Victor good advice and tell him to take care of his family. Because after all, that's what Oscar always did! 

Oscar always had some random stuff going on with his health but for the most part seemed pretty healthy. Late 2019 he started to get sick. They talked about his pancreas, Stage 4 Liver Cancer, a tumor in his esophagus. There were so many things that were said about what was going on with him, to this day I'm not even sure what he died of. 

The last week of Oscars life he was home in his bed with lots of love and family by his side. Jack got to sit and read to him while he held his hand. It was peaceful and also very sad to have to say goodbye. I did get to thank him for all that he has done for my family but most importantly for the role he played in Victors life and being the dad and grandpa that he didn't have to be.

Walking into Victor's parents house these days is not the same without the big hugs from Oscar or being able to sit next to him on the couch watching Soccer or the Dodgers play. He was the man of little words but such a big heart and I am so thankful that he was part of my life. RIP Oscar Noriega 1/24/2020.