Some things are for sure, no one will see life through the same lens as you. The last 7 weeks leading up to my dad dying was really stressful in my life. It started with the falls, the hospital. It was an every day worry on how dad was doing, what the doctors were deciding to do with dad. When he would be admitted, when he would be released. Where would he be released to, who has room, who will take a 370 pound man? Talk to the insurance, talk to the case worker at the hospital, calling around myself, madness and stress trying to figure out what to do and help make the best decisions.
Reba is/was my dad's fiancée who he loved very much. He met her several years ago online and started talking to her all the time. About 3 years ago, she moved down here to live with him. They were both single, cared for each other and were living pretty far apart. They were both in big empty houses themselves and could use the companionship. Obviously at first it was weird talking about my dad having a girlfriend. Not weird because I thought she was going to replace my mom or anything, but just weird because the only person I knew my dad with was my mom. Dad really took to Reba and enjoyed her company. She really loved talking to dad and you could tell that she really cared for him.
Reba was definitely born to be a care taker. From what I know, she took care of her brother her whole life and then when he died, she moved to Corona and took care of dad. The moment I knew Reba was now with dad changed my life. I no longer had to worry about dad being by himself. I didn't have to call to check in on him every single day to make sure he was ok. There was a big weight lifted off of my shoulders personally when Reba moved in with dad. I no longer had to make sure he was getting back and forth to dialysis every day or if he would get enough to eat, or make it to his dr appts. It was like having a live in nurse or care taker for dad, but the nice part was that they enjoyed each others company and liked taking care of each other.
As the few years went by it was weird hearing dad talk about mom in front of Reba, but she didn't seem to mind. She knew that Pat was his love and he missed her. Somehow it was ok with Reba that dad felt this way. Let me just say, it takes a special woman to be able to put up with dad in the first place, but THEN to still love and care for him while he talked about his dead wife was another thing. Reba was patient with dad and loved hearing his stories about growing up in Brooklyn. She shared his love for old westerns and put up with all the crazy movies and TV he would watch. It was like, they were meant to be there for each other. Day in and day out, Reba would help take care of dad. She would make sure he always had enough food, or his favorite cup of coffee from McDonalds. She kept track of his meds and his appointments with all of his billions of doctors. She kept track of his weight and made sure that he was somewhat sticking to his renal diet, having Kidney Disease and all. She would bake him desserts with less sugar.. she did everything to make him happy. It was sweet and always so loving.
In the last few year Reba would tell dad she loved him, and he wouldn't say it back to her (in front of us I think) for a while. Him and I had conversations about how he felt about her, but he was always worried about us girls and how we would react to the relationship. Dad finally really opened up to me about Reba and how he loved her. But he didn't really know how to express it without worrying about what we thought. I finally had to tell dad that we see him happy and his love for Reba. It has nothing to do with mom. She's been dead 11 years, it is 100% ok for him to love someone else. No one was replacing mom and we really liked Reba. Dad ended up telling Reba he wanted to marry her and he bought her a nice engagement ring. That def took some getting used to, because it just was weird, but I was happy for my dad.
Of course I worried, like any daughter would about if they got married, that would mean that would allow her as his wife to make any medical decisions about his life. That was def not something that us girls were ready to give up. But as dad and I chatted about it, I told him that if he wanted to marry Reba, we were all behind him on it, as long as we made some kind of addendum to his will saying that nothing changed when he got married and us girls would still be making those decisions. Dad at some point called it a "pre-nup", you know, for all of his millions. Dad agreed that he did not want that to change so he and Reba talked about it and she agreed to it. She didn't want to be responsible for any of it anyway, she wanted to be married to dad. As a 60 year old woman, she had never really had a boyfriend and had never been married. So we all agreed that once dad got out of the hospital we would talk to the attorney and have some papers drawn up for Reba to sign. My sisters and I would plan a small wedding for them and we would give my dad away to marry Reba.
It made my heart happy to see the love from my dad. He cared so much for Reba and was very happy when we treated her like family. While he was in the hospital and we talked about random things, he would tell me that he wanted to make sure that Reba had everything she needed and was taken care of. Of course I thought at the time he meant, like food at the house and gas in the van while he was in the hospital. A few weeks before dad died he had reminded me of the safe that was in his house and the money he had put "away" for emergencies. He had told me about it long ago when we were doing the will, but I had forgotten about it. When we talked about selling the house after he passed, I told him none of us could afford the mortgage on the house and I didn't want to have that burden for too long. He was worried about us kicking Reba out day 1 to sell the house. I of course assured him that we would not. We would take care of Reba. Dad said that he wanted her to live there for a year at least, he wanted her to have as much time as possible without making her move, but knowing that she couldn't pay the mortgage and I would be stuck with it, we talked to the attorney and he helped us come up with the 90 day clause in his Will, saying that we would give her 90 days to find a place to live. Dad told me he had saved money and that I would not be stuck with having to pay it. He told me he wanted me to take care of Reba. He made me promise that I would.
My dad lived very frugal in a beat up house with a beat up van. He barely could pay his bills each month and only did what was needed to be done in any kind of repairs or bill paying. So I knew dad didn't have a stash of money to pay his mortgage for a year. But dad surprised me and had enough money tucked away to take care of it all. When dad passed away I took the safe from the house home with me, knowing his instructions and wants. I of course thought that there was going to be like a thousand dollars in there to take care of his services. I felt like dad never really had a concept of how much things cost and wasn't ever really good with money, so maybe he left a few thousand dollars to cover everything. I had been saving my money personally knowing that I would have to dip into it to take care of the costs if something happened. But that was not the case and it made me very happy to know that dad was looking out for us. He lived a simple life with paying for minimal things while he stashed some serious money away to cover the house and to take care of Reba. I didn't know his end was coming so fast, but I feel like he sure did. He was very specific about giving me instructions on where to find the key only about 2 weeks before he died.
I blog because I like to document what is going on and how I remember things now, and not in years from now. This blog post has been weighing on me because I want to remember how much Reba meant to dad. She was not just a live in nurse or someone to take care of him. She started out as a companion for dad, someone to live with, someone to talk to, someone to share his stories with. But her love for dad was amazing to me and he loved her back. Reba took the BEST care of my dad, more than anything I could have ever done for him. She would rub his back and his feet. If you've seen my dads feet, you know what a task that would be and there was no way in hell I was getting close to them. But Reba loved dad so much that she didn't see his gross feet. She saw a man that she loved that needed a foot rub.
That's really what love is right? Putting someone else's needs before your own and caring for them. That was Reba. She loved dad so much and the moment she stepped into his life I didn't have to worry about him being taken care of, because she was there for him. I promised my dad I would do the same and take care of her. I will 100% live up to that promise.
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