Leavin... on a jet plane!

Don't know when we'll be back again!

Ok, well we'll be back next week, but so excited to leave and get the hell out of here for awhile! Much needed break! We'll be taking a road trip to Colorado! Can't wait for Alana's first road trip!!! The last time we drove to Colorado was in May of 03. We had so much fun and it was a great bonding experience for Victor and I, as we were new in our relationship. The route there is so beautiful through Utah. I remember, I think it was once we got into CO there is this BIG mountain and a little road goes through it. It was kinda scary. The mountain was covered in snow and it was like a tunnel going through it. It was so beautiful though! I think our plan is to drive through the night so not sure we'll get to see the same things we saw last time, but hopefully Alana will sleep through the night and we'll be there nice and early in the morning and she'll be refreshed :) She's a GREAT car sleeper!

Can't wait to see my other family out there! And Ashley and David's new house! They just bought a 4 bedroom house and I'm so happy for them! We are bringing our computer and air card so hopefully I'll be able to update with pictures while we are out there! Wish us luck on our 14 hour trip tonight. YIKES! And wish us good weather for our drive, then it can snow when we get out there! Can't wait for Alana to play in the Colorado snow in the mountains!!! Miss you all!

Old kicks

Out with the old! So sad, but these shoes were Alana's walking shoes! These are the ones I would get bronzed if I was weird and wanted to do that. Instead I took a picture and I'll be giving them to goodwill. Alana's first steps weren't in these shoes, but these are the ones she starting walking all over in. She just grew out of them!

I remember my mom would always pride herself on taking her kids and grandkids down to StrideRite to get their first pair of walking shoes. She would be so proud to buy them! My mom was already sick and not getting out much when we got these shoes so my mom wasn't able to do it (plus they are Gymboree). But the other day Victor and I took Alana to StrideRite and bought her a pair of good walking ones with good support! Well she's really running everywhere these days... so running shoes!

Monday, Monday...

Hard day today. It's Monday, company left, back to work, back to babysitting. Back to my every day routine. For a few days at least. We are leaving for Colorado Wednesday night for a vacation we had planned months ago. I'm glad we are still going. We need the time away. A month ago I was so worried to be so far from my mom in case something happened... but I guess that's not an issue anymore. Man it's so hard to get back to life after this. I seriously picked up my phone to call my mom this morning. UH! My questions for her... how do you make this... what do you do when this happens, what should I do when Alana does this... all those things I just would call and ask because she was there and knew everything. Mom's really do know everything. I only hope I can fill those shoes.

When my brother was down and both of my sisters were at my mom's house, scratch that... My dad's house? ... We were able to pull out a few things of my moms to go through that we wanted. My mom had already given me her wedding ring months ago, because she promised it to me years ago. I hung it on my necklace around my neck and haven't taken it off. It fits my wedding ring finger perfectly and it's so beautiful! I'm glad I have it!
Going through my moms things, she kept this one truck with all kinds of stuff in it. Stallings Stars from when we were little, awards, drawings, all kinds of crazy stuff! My mom kept lots of cards that I had sent her over the years through the mail. Reading through them made me happy that every chance I got, I told my mom how much she meant to me. How she was my best friend and how someday when I had a daughter, I could only hope to be the mom she was to me. Almost every single card said that. She knew how much she meant to me, I made sure I told her all the time, and I'm happy she kept those for me. I was so happy to read them again and to take them home with me and keep them forever!
She kept lots of Sunkist stuff (Where she worked for 25 years) and all that will go to her best friend Debbie who worked there with her. She saved a lot of things that my sisters and I went through and took home with us. Little jewelry boxes, jewelry, all kinds of fun stuff. It makes me sad but happy. GOD I MISS HER. It's still not real yet. It's like she's just on vacation right now....

We are leaving for Colorado soon for a much needed break from life. I know I'll want to call my mom when we get there to let her know we are there safe, I'll want to call her when we do something fun, or exciting... cause that's what I do. My mom has always shared in the fun things I did. It's gonna suck to come back to life... but things are changing, so I'll just keep rolling with the changes in my life.

Love to all for being here for me. I need every single one of you right now!

In Training

Alana is practing for Friday, our next Rock Band party! How fricken cute is she? She loves to sing.

She was trying to dance and sing in the video. Sorry it's dark.

Oh it's so hard to do or say or sing anything Beatles without being sad about my mom. But mama, I promise to make the Beatles a fun part of Alana's life like you always did with us! I'll carry on your love for the Beatles to my family forever!

You were loved mama!

Not an empty seat in the entire place, not a dry eye. Mom's service was just so amazing last night! The church holds a good 200 people and they had to bring in extra rows of chairs! Mom was so loved! I honestly couldn't have ask for a better Pastor of our church! Ever since I was little my parents attended church with Pastor Steve. We broke off and made our own little church in a park and followed Pastor Steve. 15 or so years later my parents still attended church with Pastor Steve! He has been a great leader for several years and made my moms service the best it could have possibly ever been.

A few of my mom's best friends shared their stories with my mom from ages ago and left everyone crying. My mom really had some great friends and family. My Aunt, Uncle and cousin put together an amazing slide show of my mom and the family through the years! Oh man, I cried, smiled, laughed. It was so great to see my mom the way she always was, happy and loving! We sang her favorite church songs. Mom was there last night enjoying it all. There was one empty chair in the whole place and that was right next to me and Jacquie, it was my mom's place in the church. She was there singing right along with us! I closed my eyes and saw her standing there next to me with her arms reached out to God like she always did in church. It was amazing!

Several months ago Victor had drawn the most beautiful picture of my mom from when she was about 22. Poster size. He had it framed and we had it at the front of the church. We had planned to give it to mom for her Birthday in November. But sadly she never saw it. Instead it sat as a beautiful remembrance of my mom for everyone to see at the Service. We gave it to my dad to hang at the house for him to see every day.

The turnout was so wonderful! People who were dear to my mom, or people who just wanted to come show their support to us! Wonderful friends of mine that knew my mom, some that didn't. Some that never even meet her. They still were so moved! Thank you to all my friends that came out to support me. To Crystal for coming over and just staying with me when she knew I needed her. To Anda and Martha who are my "dead mom's club" girls. They also have lost their moms and have been a Hugh support to me, knowing JUST what I am going through! To Ashley, who couldn't make it out for the Service, but called me to make sure I was ok at every chance she got... but she'll be here tomorrow night!!! Thanks Jen and Kris for being there to support me! It was nice to have everyone that had some type of relationship with my mom there even if I haven't talked to them in a long time. All the calls and texts and emails. It really is amazing how many people I heard from and I thank every single one of you for it!

Thank you so much to my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin for just showing up after mom went, to bring tons of food and everything they could imagine. For getting my dad clothes to wear. Who thinks of these things? They did and it was so appreciated!!! Thank you to my cousin Jen who printed out the programs! 200 of them! Ran out of ink at least 3 times! But pushed through it and got them printed. Thank you a million times Jen.

Thank you, Thank you to everyone! Love you all!

Thank God I take lots of pictures... Love you every second and missing you.

Service

Services will be held today, Monday, September 21, 2009. 7pm
Presence of the Lord Christian Church
1655 E. Sixth Street, Suite B-1
Corona, CA 92879

In lieu of sending flowers, please make a donation in mom's name to the Presence of the Lord Christian Church. This was mom's home. All of our homes. Pastor Steve Gonzales and the congregation have been part of our family for 20 years. We will have envelopes at the service if you would like to make a donation in mom's name.

I'm not really sure how I feel today. I think we are ALL still kinda numb to the whole thing. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to us all after it hits us. Everyone will go home, we will all go back to our normal lives and then what happens? I call my mom 5 times a day to talk, she is the first person on my mind to call anytime anything happens. My sister and dad have to live in the same house where she has been forever. How will it all work out once we go back to our normal life? I can't even think about it right now.

I'm looking forward to the service to see everyone. To get a hug from everyone. To see people I haven't seen in years. To hear Pastor Steve sing. To just feel the great love of everyone and the presence of my mom. My mom.... really, she's gone? Really... It's just not real. I see her smiling all the time in the last few days at me... happy, heavier mom... not whittled down, not feeling well mom. I sat and went through tons of pictures for the slide show. I saw her smile. She HATED being in pictures. She tried not to smile and the second the picture was over she would go back to smiling. She was so funny.

She always told me that the song "Just to see you smile" By Tim McGraw was her song to me. She was so right. She would do ANYTHING for me, for any of us. When I was in High School I wanted to be a cheerleader so bad. It was so damn expensive at the time for just one year. But my mom knew how badly I wanted it so she made it happen. Those are the moments I go to when I hear this song and my mom telling me it reminds her of me.

Just to see you smile
Id do anything That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
Id never count the cost
Its worth all thats lost
Just to see you smile

There are so many songs that will always forever remind me of her. ANYTHING Beatles. Rubber Soul was her favorite as is mine. Patsy Cline, Crazy.... I know anytime I hear these songs I'll cry. Hell, before she even died when I knew she was sick and terminal... I cried. I cry often. I think we all do and will for a long time. We miss you mama. I know you are still here, just not, here, here.... but we miss you so much. Love you mama.

Happy First Birthday Lexie Jane!!!

This beatuiful red haired, blue eyed girl is 1 years old today!!!!


One year ago today my sister let me stay in the room for the delivery of Lexie Jane!! Crazy stuff to watch, amazing and so weird all at the same time! But glad I got to see it once in my life and it was this beautiful baby girl!

Happy Birthday sweet Lexie Jane. I'm sorry things are the way they are today on your birthday, we'll celebrate again soon in better spirits! Love you baby girl!

...

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something else.

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

61 wonderful years!

Mom passed away this morning at 5:30 am. Family by her side for her last breath. Tears of sorrow, tears of relief. She is no longer in pain. She no longer has this horrible cancer eating away at her body. She is in Heaven, safe and sound, happy and looking down on us.

Services will be held on Monday, September 21, 2009. 7pm

Presence of the Lord Christian Church

1655 E. Sixth Street, Suite B-1

Corona, CA 92879

In lieu of sending flowers, please make a donation in mom's name to the Presence of the Lord Christian Church. This was mom's home. All of our homes. Pastor Steve Gonzales and the congregation have been part of our family for 20 years. We will have envelopes at the service if you would like to make a donation in mom's name.

Please pass this information onto anyone you know that might want to be there.

Thank you again to everyone. It's hard to say how we are all right now. It's too surreal. More blogging later I'm sure.

Where do I start

Fuck. I just had paragraphs here and they went away when my phone rang. I'm tying from my phone in the hospital. I think its still wednesday... around 11pm. Today has been the day from hell. I'm tired and my eyes r a bit blurry so sorry for my grammer and spelling.
In the last 16 hours we went from, mom hopefully better by week end to.... probably won't make it to the end of the week..... FUCK. When I got here they made us put on gloves and masks and gowns just to go in with her. Touching my mom through rubber gloves? Moms breathing has gotten so much worse. Fluid in her lungs. Bloodcell count WAY down. Every piece of her body is slowly shutting down. Being attacked. Being torn up by this little fucker in her body eating away at her.
Why? Why my mom? My mom has ALWAYS been so selfless. Always puts her kids and family before herself. Made so many sacrafices for us. Worked her ass off her entire life to provide for us. To make sure we were taken care of. Why her?
Meeting with the oncologist was bad news. Her degression has been really bad in the last 12 hours. We finally were able to take the gloves and stuff of because it was pointless. Call my brother in from Utah now, not in 2 weeks as planned. Now. We made all of the horrible phone calls. Hell. What do you say to her brother? to her parents that are still living? Just get here.
They came, every person, family, extended family, friends.... every one that could, did. They kissed, said I love you.. all heartbreaking. We took all the great phone calls of everyone sending their love. We soaked up all the hugs and love. She's gonna wait for my brother to get here in the morning, I just know it. So here I sit. On mom watch. Being held responsible to make those calls again tonight if it happens. It... it... i'll be relived in a few hours by one of my wonderful sisters. I sit here on my little keyboard on my phone. My blog is my journal, pages in my diary.... your in my head. Good thing someone is. I'm not. But I'm here holding her hand right where I belong.

Mom Update

Hey everyone, wanted to take a second and update everyone on mom. Monday night we had to take her into the ER. The two days prior to Monday she had been lying in bed, sleeping for two days, not getting up much, talking crazy... So with the Dr.'s orders we took her into the hospital to get checked out. Because she doesn't have insurance she has medical through the county. The county hospital SUCKS. We checked her into the ER 6pm Monday night. When she finally got in the only thing they were able to do with her is lay her on a stretcher and hook her up to an IV, and lay the bed in the hallway of the ER. HORRIBLE! Mom was super dehydrated. Between the Chemo, Morphine, water pills, not eating or drinking and sleeping for 2 days... her body was tired and very weak. 18 hours later, 18 hours of laying in the ER, they were finally able to admit her to the hospital. I can't even say how bad it was!!!!
They are trying to hydrate her body, get some nutrition in, get some bad stuff out and make her feel half way decent. We don't know how long she'll be in the hospital, our hopes are that by the end of the week they can make her feel better and send her home! (crossing my fingers, this is the best scenario) The cancer she has is terminal and doctors reminded us of that several times, so these types of things might be happening more often from now on as the Cancer attack her body even more. This shit is vicious.... Things we are NOT looking forward to! I know my family has our faith and we are positive about mom and her cancer, so we are there for her at every turn! My sisters and brother in law have been amazing, we are taking turns, trying not to leave mom alone.
I would like to thank everyone for their texts, emails, phone calls. Everyone is so supportive of us, offering us places to stay, offering to take care of Alana and the girls. My whole family is really helping us girls with the support. Thank you everyone so much, from ALL of us! My wonderful husband is doing whatever he can for me. Making sure Alana is taken care of. My mother in law has taken Alana until I can go pick her up. This is so hard for all of us, I can't even put into words anymore how I feel or how loosing your mom to cancer feels. But Thank you so much to everyone, it really means a lot to me and my whole family to have everyone's support and love! I'm off to the hospital in Moreno Valley where mom is. I'll update again later, hopefully with some good news about her getting better and going home!

I know God won't give me something I can't handle..... so God, please only give us what we can handle!

Love, Jamie

Beatles Rockband Party!!

Alana dressed up for the occassion. She was rockin her Beatles shirt!


9-9-09 we went to Best Buy and picked it out!!! By the time we left the store 10 minutes after it opened, they were out of them! We snagged one complete with a second guitar!


We had a bunch of friends over to help us break in the new game! Every seat was filled! Everyone wanted some Rockband action! Chris sang most of the night and kicked butt!! Everyone else took turns on the drums, bass and guitar.


When Chris wasn't singing he was helping Alana stack her books!

Great friends and great times!!

We had a blast! Thanks everyone for coming! We'll have to do it again soon!!

Niece's are gods gifts to me!!

L*O*V*E


Big walking girl!!!!


4 going on 14!

Love my girls!

Grandparents day?

So I know I'm a tad early on the grandparents day... but Sunday we went up to my Grandparents house on the lake for a nice visit. Alana is lucky to know her great grandparents. Neither Victor or I knew ours and we'd like Alana to know her's as much as she can. We took Alana out on back patio down to the lake. She's never been big enough to walk down there before. But she is a pro at going up and down stairs lately! It's a long way down....


We were standing on the dock and she didn't understand why we wouldn't let her step off the dock into the lake... but she kept trying anyway.

My grandparents just got a golf cart. Grandpa let Victor drive it so we took Alana out for a drive! She loved it! We just sat back and took in all the beautiful houses up there!

Looking cool in her shades as she pretends to drive.

4 generations right here! Love my girls!

Happy Early grand parents to my grandparents! We love you guys and cherish every minute we get to spend with you!

Me and my mama! Love you!

Alana loved to sit in Grandpa's lap. She was cheesin it up for the camera!

Bye bye summer....

Sad to say but this was the last weekend of summer and all the great things summer has to offer! I'd have to say we've had a great summer with Alana. We've done tons of things, gone several places, lots of BBQ's and TONS of swimming! She is a natural born water baby! I know it's California so we'll have summer weather here for a while, but it's sad that summer is officially over. Labor day was fun, we spent the day with friends at the pool!

Alana had her first popisicle today... I think. She may have had one at Grandma's before, but never with me. I don't know why I've waited this long to giver her one, but she loved it and was a pro at it! Then I tossed her in the pool to wash it off of her entire body... maybe that's why I don't give them to her? It was so fun to watch her eat it though!

She spent some time in the pool with Auntie Crystal who looks half black. She's so fricken tan!

Labor day every year is Smalls puppies birthdays! 4 years ago, Freddy and I spent the night in the Doggy hospital while smalls delivered 3 super cute puppies. They all looked so different. It was so fun raising puppies. It was my first time ever. WAY different then kids, but great! The black and white one is "Moo". She is with Crystal's parents being very well taken care of!

Happy 4th birthday puppies!

Hope everyone had a great labor day weekend! Back to school and work!

Lunch Date!

Today was a great day! Alana and I jumped in the car to head out to Corona to visit Grandma! Mom said she woke up feeling great today! Slept all night and was feeling good when she woke up. She said that all of the prayers and good thoughts are doing great, she sure is feeling them.
We had lunch today with some old friends, Jennifer and her mom! It's always so great to catch up on years of life we missed! All the girls were there and we had a great time! We gotta do it again soon!


We ate at Miguels (of course)


Jacquie and Lex


Alana loves giving her cuz kisses!

My sexy Lexie!!! She's such a big girl now! Gonna be 1 years old VERY SOON!!!

Me and my big girl!

Those crazy Evans girls!

I Heart You!

I ♥ you guys, even if I don't like you all the time.

Treatments start

For those of you who are keeping up with my mom... Like I said, things are cloudy right now about what is going on. But we know for sure she has cancer. Possible cancer of the ovaries, but for sure cancer of the Liver Duct as well. They are going to start Chemotherapy on her tomorrow morning at 8am (Thurs). I'm not 100% sure what they are treating her for, the ovarian cancer she might have or the liver duct cancer she does have, but either way, chemicals to attack any and all of the cancer cells, I'm happy their trying!
For anyone who wants to send her good thoughts, I know she appreciates the cards, so send them. My sisters are doing their best to keep me updated on what's going on. I'll be out there Friday to visit and have more information on her treatments then.

Prayers and good thoughts for us all for the strength to get through it all is much needed and much felt! So thank you!

Just think of me as the pages in your diary

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not sleeping, my brain, my mind, my body, it's all very tired. How do you prepare your life. One day at a time. Minute by minute. I was here and now I'm not. I feel and now I don't. Your in my blog, your in my mind. My life. The support is here and it doesn't help any. Life is here and it doesn't help. I'm on a fucking roller coaster, wanna join me. You'll never see the twists and turns that's about to come. Your going to get thrown off the edge and your pulled right back. Edge, back... never ending roller coaster. Stomach is in a knot as you're getting higher. climbing to the top. About to go over that edge and then it's all down hill from there. Lows and highs and hugs and tears and I'm not in my body. I'm standing outside looking at my life. Watching it all unfold before my eyes. Watching everyone as they move by in slow motion. Put on a happy face, think positive.... that won't prepare me for that last final drop at the end. Nothing prepares you for that. It's not a place you've ever been and don't want to go but thanks for listening.