Pages of my diary

When someone brought to my attention that September is coming up so fast, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it will be one year September 17th since my mom died. Watching the news this morning it's already been a year since Michael Jackson died. It's amazing to me how time has been flying by. Although it feels like it's been FOREVER since I lost my mom, since I was able to sit and talk with her or kiss her or hug her, it hasn't even been one full year yet. Everyone says time heals.... but almost one year has passed and some days I think I'm even worse off then I was before. I assume they are talking about years and years from now. But how does someone ever get over their mom dying when at 30 years old, you still need your mom!! It seems very unfair to me that I have to wait until I die to see and hold and kiss my mom again... that is going to be soooo many years from now! Lets say I die when I'm 90, that's 60 whole years from now! It makes me so sad to think I have to wait that long.
I've been struggling lately with missing her more because everyone says "She's there with you" or "she's listening, just talk to her", "she can hear you". It feels like a bunch of BS to be honest. I get that it's the stuff you are supposed to say to people to make them feel better and to bring comfort and while I really do appreciate that, it's not true for me. Maybe for some people it is, but not for me. I can't feel her, I can't hear her. I don't feel like she's here with me. I don't feel any more connection with her anywhere and it breaks my heart. I hold onto my memories I have with her (which if you know me well you know how horrible my memory is) but it seems like pictures is really the only thing I have left of her. Why do I take 50 pictures a day of Alana or things in our life, because I know they too will be gone or forgotten one day and I'll still have something I can hold onto! This blog has helped me in so many ways remember things that have happened, good and bad. Sometimes I will go back to post with my mom in them just to remember those times or to have happy thoughts. I will even go back to the days before she died and read those. Monday I was so hopeful that by the end of the week we'd be bringing her home safe and sound... it's amazing to remember feeling that way, hopeful for her. Those were the last times I could have ever felt hopeful for her. That was a rough week.
It can't always be this bad right? Time will heal or something like that?? What do I do with myself in the meantime! I concentrate on my life now, my sweet little Alana and my husband and all the great people I have in it. But some how it's all just missing something sometimes. It's sad to lose your best friend in the whole world, especailly when she happens to be your mom. Dark, sad, gloomy day today. The sun is out but nobody's home. I miss you and I can't wait for the day I get to see you and hug you again!