This week in words

So this is a week I've been dreading alllllllll year long. It's the week my mom died one entire year ago. One year ago on Monday this was my blog. I was hopeful my mom was going to get better and we'd be taking her home by the end of the week. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time to re-read that blog. I was hopeful and that reminds me of being happy, but then when I realize that I knew nothing about what was going on, and had no idea how wrong I was, it makes me sad. That week was a special week that I spent by my moms side. I barely left her. By Wednesday this was my blog. Came out of left field right? I felt like it too. Who knew that would be the worst week of my life? I guess God did, he just didn't fill me in on the details. Might have been a good decision on his part, not sure I could have handled that news. That Wednesday at the hospital was a crazy whirl wind. Making those calls having to tell people to come down and say goodbye. I'm not sure I was really me. It was for sure one of those out of body experiences. I was there, but somewhere else all at the same time. Man, I was so crazy strong that week. Where did that person go?

So I've been dreading posting this week because it's all the same old stuff I've posted about for the last year and I'm tired of saying it all, and I'm sure you're tired of hearing (reading) it. Yes it has ONLY been one year, or it will be on Friday at least... and as much as you can tell me it's ONLY been a year, it feels like it's been at least 6 years since I saw her last or hugged her last. So it almost feels like I should stop talking about it, or Geez, shouldn't I be over this part of it already? I guess everyone deals with the death of their mom in different ways, I'm not sure I've really been "dealing" with it though. I kind of ignore it and push it aside. I try not to cry about it. Or sometimes I hide when I cry about it. I could burst out crying at any time of the day, night, work, home, in the middle of a conversation. I guess I try to hold it in as much as I can so that I don't upset anyone else. I can't even drive out to Corona without crying at least once on the way out there. It's just my dumb way of dealing, or should I say not dealing with it. There have been a few nights (well just one I guess) that I got really hammered soon after my mom died and had it out with God. Poor Crystal was there to witness that. But I did feel better afterwards! Thank you Crystal for being there to sit and listen to my craziness. That's what best friends are for!

So this week has been looooong already. Trying to keep up with all that's going on, trying not to breakdown every time I think about this week. It's a week that will pass and on Friday it will just be another day without her right? I've been debating if I should take Friday off to lay at home and cry all day or come to work, suck it up and go on with my day. So far I've only broken down and cried at work twice this week... That's not to bad right? On Monday there was buzz around the office while I was eating lunch about some pretty flowers up front. Someone said they were for me, I thought to myself "why in the world would I be getting flowers?". So I went up front to see and my cousin Chris and the Domene family had sent me just a cute little arrangement of flowers to tell me that I was loved! It of course made me cry because I was happy that I have a great family. But I was also sad because of what they "really" stood for.

They made me smile every time I looked at them, but then someone would come over and ask what's the occasion... so that's not so fun! But I love them and was so happy to get them! Thank you Domene family! You guys have always been there to support me and my whole family and I really do appreciate that!

So with that I will leave on a happy flowers note. Greatful to have the friends and family that I do. Sad about this week, but it's one year down, the rest of my life to go. Uh.