I Loved her first

I loved her first was the song that my dad and I danced to at my wedding! I'd been searching for a song that would be meaningful. I asked him what song he wanted... One day my mom called me a few weeks before the wedding to tell me she'd heard a new song on the radio by Heartland. It made her think of me. I asked my mom if she'd dance with me at my wedding to that song. She said that was the the honor of my father, not my mother, so I said ok and danced with my dad to it. It was such a great song, it made everyone cry. My dad did the most amazing job of dancing with me! He, out of no where, would spin me around. It was really a great father daughter dance. But as I listened to it on the radio today on my way home it made me think of all the great moments in my life that I've had with my mom. I had a friend or two remind me when I'm down about the great times my mom and I have shared. About how close we were and how damn lucky I was to have that kind of relationship with her. I agree.

It's so hard sometimes to think about the good times, when I get so sad the sadness can just take me over sometimes. But it's Thursday night and instead of going to bed tonight thinking about how my mom died one year ago when I wake up... Here are a few stories that make me happy. (In no particular order).

Several years ago my mom and I found a new hobby for Saturday's. Yep, the paint shop! We went to one by my house in Irvine (Color me mine) for the first time and had so much fun! My mom's neighbor told her about a paint shop in Norco and that is where we'd be spending EVERY Saturday for years to come! We went in, made friends with the owners, and all the regular customers. That is where we planted our butts for the next 5 years! My mom was there religiously every single Saturday when they opened to when they kicked her out! I joined her almost every Saturday for the first few years. It was the best experience ever! We painted, we talked, we bonded more then ever. We ate Miguels every week. It was always the same. Sitting next to her at the paint shop, talking, watching her sponge paint. For years she would give me "presents" that she made for me. Today I treasure them! As I'm sure any of you who got those gifts from her do with them now!

The second Victor proposed to me I started to plan our wedding day! It was a day that I'd been looking forward to my whole life! The days leading up to my wedding my mom was so excited, she would hug me every time she saw me and tell me how excited happy and proud she was of me. On my wedding day my mom spent most of the time upstairs with me. Smiling, holding my hand, loving every minute of the day!

I told myself I was going to keep it together and not cry. I did so well. I stood outside of the door as I heard my music being played and the doors opened. I kept it together... I turned the corner of the bench and saw my mom at the front, standing there with her hands at her face with a tissue crying like a mother should cry at her daughters wedding. That's when I started to cry. I really kept it together the whole time until I saw her. Those tears to me were the best tears a daughter could ever feel! Months before the wedding I had asked my mom if she and my dad would walk me down the isle. I wanted my best friend by my side. She turned me down. She said it was the honor of my father, and plus she wanted to be at the front to see my walk down the isle. So I know those tears were the best tears EVER!

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, like most new moms, signed up for the babycenter online emails that emailed me weekly and told me how my baby was growing and what fruit it was the size of. My mom asked every week for me to forward her those emails. She wanted to know every single week how her grandbaby was growing! The day I was in the hospital having Alana Rose, I told my sister and my mom to not hurry down, it would be hours until the baby came.... The second they broke my water, and I was in so much pain, I just wanted my mommy. She couldn't have gotten there fast enough. The second I heard her voice come through that door I balled like a baby. I was so relived that she was there! I wanted Victor and my mom in the room with me! I knew everything was going to be ok once I heard her voice. After HOURS and HOURS, I went in for a C-section. When I was done I felt like I was in Recovery FOREVER!! Victor came in to see me and I sent him back to be with his new baby. After being able to peak through the glass and see Alana, my mom searched the hospital for my nurse so she could find where they were hiding me. I had been asking for my mom and so my mom finally found the nurse and they brought her back to me. It was so nice to see my mom right out of surgery. I couldn't have done any of it without her!

For 2 weeks I tried and tried to breastfeed Alana. Man, that was the 2 hardest weeks of my life. I cried and cried, telling myself I could do it. I was going to feel like a failure as a mother if I had to stop. When I did stop I was so down on myself. My mom sent me this email that I haven't really shared with anyone before, but I keep it always because it's probably the best email she's ever sent me:

I just want you to know how proud I am of you. I know that you are feeling bad about having problems with breast feeding but I have to tell you something.For 18 months you have been running in high gear, getting ready for the wedding,honeymoon, trying to get pregnant. You have done everything right, you ate right, took your vitamins, took good care of yourself & where blessed with a nice big healthy baby. You have given her the best possible start that you can,even if you just breast feed her for a week you have given her a boost.

I love you

(*:*)

The evening before my mom died, I had a few hours of just me and her in the hospital room to ourselves. I hopped in bed with her, laid there and held her hand. I told her I loved her. I told her that it would be ok if she went, I didn't want her to be in pain. Every other day of my life I told her she needed to fight this. That day I told her it would be ok if she needs to go. Her hand in mine, holding it tight. Squeezing my hand I didn't know what she meant, I thought maybe she needed ice or something. But I know it was just her way of telling me she loved me and that it was time to go. And hours later she did. She was no longer in pain. She left us and went home to be with God, Chanlder, Grandma, Roseanne, Michael. All we had lost in the previous years. I miss her every single day and will probably for the rest of my life, but I really do have the best memories of her. Of us. And I will make sure those memories live on with our family forever! Thank you to my friends and family for all of the support. And for reminding me how lucky I am to have had a mom that was my best friend in the world! As I ALWAYS used to tell her, I hope I am a mother to my children some day like she has always been to me!