Yesterday... all my troubles seemed so far away...

Now it looks as though they're here to stay.

Today has been 1 month since my mom passed and I've probably cried more today then I have all put together in the last month. Everyone asks how I'm doing and I've been doing pretty good. Kept it together, kept the crying to a very minimum. Tried to really stay strong. The first couple weeks ran by like a blur. The next couple were full of things to do, and people to see, kept busy. Today I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed. I just laid in bed and cried for her. I can't remember how she smells, or how she sounds. I can't even remember sometimes what she looks like, or how she feels. I hugged her every single time I saw her and every time I left her, how is it possible I can't remember how it feels? I know this sounds crazy, but I can't remember what she looked like. I have pictures, but I feel like I can't remember her in real life. I remember pictures, all of them. I never forget a picture. But I can't picture her in life. However I do remember her laying in the hospital bed. I remember the few days I had with her that I didn't know would be my last. I remember climbing in the hospital bed with her and sitting next to her holding her hand, I remember crying hard and her turning to look at me, opened her eyes and said "Jamie, Stop it". She didn't want me crying. I remember what she looked like when she took her last breath, sleeping and peaceful. I remember what she looked like as I pulled the cozy blanket I had given her off of her body so I could keep it. I remember before I left the hospital, I went into her room one final time and kissed her on the forehead. I remember that.

I pray it's just a faze and a month from now I'll remember her on my wedding day. How proud she was standing there for me. The tears in her eyes as I came down the isle. I'll remember the first time she held Alana. I'll remember her coming into the recovery room to check on me, she just wanted to make sure I was ok. It's like a movie is playing and she is blurred out. I know she was there, I have the pictures. But my memory is playing a game with my mind.

I sit and watch the amazing slide show from her service and I ball my eyes out, but appreciate every picture she let me take of her. As soon as the song Yesterday comes on, Alana runs over to my lap and wants to sit and watch it with me. She points to pictures, it makes me sad that the only way she'll ever know her grandma Pat is through pictures, but again I'm grateful she has pictures. Today sucks.

When I lost faith
You believed in me
When I stumbled
You were right there
For every act of love you've done
I owe you one

There were hard times
I know I survived
Just because you stayed by my side
With all I have, with all I am
I promise you all my life

Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever the journey may lead to
I will be there for you
I will be there for you

Through sorrow
Or the darkest night
When there's heartache
Deep down inside
Just like a prayer, you will be there
And I promise you all my life

Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever the journey may lead to
I will be there for you
I will be there for you

Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever the journey may lead to
I will be there for you
I will be there for you

I'll always be there

-Jessica Andrews