SAHM

What is a SAHM you ask?? It stands for Stay at home mom... Although I wasn't a SAHM for that long, this morning I have to admit I cried thinking about the things I'm missing out on. When I was still pregnant Victor and I made the decision that I would stay at home with our new baby so that no one else is raising our child, it’s what best for her, It was a great idea!! I started watching Kali when Alana was just 3 months old. It was great because I got to be a SAHM but also had some income coming in and enjoyed being with the girls all day!
But anyone that stays at home knows what a really hard job it is. Not only hard, but all I had to talk to all day was a new baby and a 2 year old. Trips to the parks, mommy and me classes and outings every day were great, but it started to get to me! Sure my best friend would call me every day at lunch to chat because she knew I needed an adult to talk to, but I needed to get out of the house for my own sanity! I've always been very independent and made my own money. I needed to find a job, having the extra money was nice, but for my own good and the good of my family and the girls... I needed to find a part time job! So when Alana was 8 months old I started to work part time. 10 months later...staying at home during the day with the girls, then going to work at nights and weekends, that got really old. I didn't have time with the hubby and I could never do anything with friends and family anymore. Kali had started Kindergarten so I didn't get to watch her anymore. But I just needed a break from the nights and weekends. I wasn't happy at that job anyway so I quit in December. In February I got another part time job, an Administrative job, Monday through Friday part time. Ideal right? Alana goes to Grandma's house, I work for a few hours and come home! After a few months I LOVED the money and knew Alana was well taken care of so with things changing at work I had the chance to start working full time! I hadn’t had insurance for 2 years so this was all going to be such a good thing! It's just been 1 month now of full time and boy did I miss those full time paychecks!! Most of the time I feel like I have best of both worlds. My mother in law, who is the most amazing woman every and loves Alana with all of her heart, is taking care of her. She does such a great job with Alana. I don't know I could ever trust anyone the way I trust her with Alana. Which brings me back to the reason I'm blogging today... Or should I say venting?
The last month or so Alana has been talking so much about the potty, so we've been trying to just keep her interested. I haven't really thought she was 100% ready for pull ups and the whole 9 yards yet so I didn’t want to push her. But she tries to go potty all the time, it's fun for her. She says all the time she wants to go potty so she pulls down her pants and I help her take off her diaper and she sits on the potty. She LOVES to sit on the potty! She hasn't actually gone in the toilet yet, but any day now she will! I'm so very proud of her!! This morning when we get to Grandma’s house, Grandma says, Did I tell you that Alana went Potty yesterday? I thought I was going to burst out with tears. In asking a few more questions I came to understand that she didn't actually go potty in the toilet but she almost did! I was so excited but also so sad. She told me that she was going to go to the store today and buy Alana some pull ups. I realized standing there in my mother in laws house dropping my baby off so I could go to work that I'm not home with her anymore. I'm not the SAHM that I wanted to be. I most likely will miss the first time she goes potty in the toilet. I'm only going to be the part time potty trainer and my mother in law will be the full time one. It made me so sad. I held it together and walked out, got in my car and cried. First of all to think that Alana is really getting that big to where she is going to be wearing pull ups and going potty.. WHAT? When did that happen. And then secondly the thought of me not being there for a lot of it. I was there when she said mom and dad, I was there when she rolled over and sat up, when she took her first steps... I was there, and now I'm not and that makes me so sad! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job and the people. I love being able to do more things because we have the extra money. I love that Alana gets to spend time with her grandma and cousins. I'm just jealous and thinking selfishly. I know that... How do working moms do it that don't have a choice? This is so hard. Anyone who doesn't have a kid might think I'm crazy but until you have a baby that you leave with someone else, it's hard to understand. I know how lucky I am to have the most amazing Mother in Law that takes care of Alana. But I'm still jealous... and a bit sad today.