I would say it's been a rough week. This world continues to be a shit show, but who has time for that? There is a lot of anxiety leading up to radiation starting next week. You know, am I making the right move? How will radiation effect me? Already the last few months I have felt so weak, Cushings continues to take away so many things from me. So many symptoms from Cushings, a lot of them people can't see and I try to push through it that it doesn't show. I'm on two different medications. One for high blood pressure and the other to help lower my cortisol levels. Here is a list of all the things my body is going through, has been going through and will continue to go through. Which symptoms are from which thing you ask? Pick and choose the day or the hour at this point.
Cushings disease - A rounded face, a fatty hump between the shoulders, pink or purple stretch marks, acne, excessive facial hair, easy bruising, hair loss, thin skin that heals slowly, and bone loss. High blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, and unusual weight gain, especially around the belly. Muscle weakness, difficulties with memory and concentration, anxiety, depression, severe fatigue and backache.
Cabergoline, to help bring down my cortisol levels from Cushings and the tumor - side effects include, dizziness, nausea, headache, constipation, cold sweats, fever, Hallucination, lower back pain, stomach pain, and my favorite.... increased sexual urges or other strong urges such as gambling.
Three years ago I was so miserable not knowing what was wrong with me and I pushed the doctors to figure it out. Finally when we tested for Cushings and it came back as that, we knew we had to get in there and get that tumor out! I felt such relief for a year and a half. Most of my symptoms were gone after surgery and I was feeling so good. To be back in this spot today has been really tough for me. Physically this is hard to deal with, but I'm good at not showing how it all feels on me. Mentally it's harder to deal with. Wanting to feel good. Not wanting to show I feel bad. Wanting to make sure I am getting up every day and being strong, walking, riding my bike, working out. Gotta do something every day so I don't feel so fat and lazy.
This week I had a special MRI to take better pics of my brain. The tech had to find a vein to give me contrast, he had to poke me three times to find one. I've got bruises on both of my hands/wrists from them. They hurt... It's just stupid shit on top of stupid shit I am already dealing with. My body is at war with itself right now in so many ways, some I can't even type here, but I am dealing with it and trying not to complain about it. Hence this post that no one will read....
More times than not, I just want to crumble. Crumble into a ball and stay under my covers all day. I want to lay in bed and not get up. I want to just lay there and maybe feel. Feel whatever. Cry maybe. I do need a good crying session soon. Maybe I can squeeze one in after dropping the kids off at school in my car! I just don't want the judgement. I don't want the self crappiness I'm going to feel if I don't get up and do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. Not going to lie, this is a hard time in my life right now that is hard both physically and mentally.
I start radiation next week and have no idea how that's going to play into all of this. It's expected to make me tired and cause nausea. Could be some hair loss. Where does any of that fit into how I'm already feeling? My body and mind are going through so much. I have to remind myself this is temporary... BUT that's what I said before. And it came back again. I will continue to remind myself it could be a LOT worse. It is not cancer, I am not dying, this will go away at some point in my life. I am grateful for that.
A very wise co-worker, turned friend told me this week.... when I start feeling like this, remind myself to say "for now". This is how my body is feeling, for now. I'm too tired and hurt, for now. FOR NOW. It really does make so much sense. This is all temporary, for now. It will turn out OK, and next year I will be typing out a blog that says how good I am feeling and what great progress I've made in a year. But also FOR NOW that's not how I'm feeling.
Its hard to talk about because I feel like such a complainer to anyone I am talking to. No one makes me feel that way, it's just how I think I sound. But it's all real feelings. I'm lucky to have the bestest friend in the world who will sit and listen to me for hours if I need it. She asks me every single day how I am and then lets me vent and say what I need to say and never complains about it. She is the only one I can be 100% honest with about how I am feeling without any kind of judgement and I am so grateful that God sent her into my life. When my mom left this earth, she was replaced with a best friend he knew I would need. Someday I hope I can be the person she needs just as much as I've needed her.
Told you I was all up in my feelings. Pages of my diary. It helps me to get it all out of my head and onto "paper". But I type much faster than I write so here it is.
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