Proud to be me!

WARNING: If you are a boy, you may want to stop reading now.
No one told me that having two kids and trying to breast feed was going to be so hard. I mean, I know that breast feeding was hard, as I was only able to do it for like 10 days with Alana. But even acutely being able to do it is still so hard! Nurses, video's and hell even some of my friends make it seem like it's just so dang easy. And honestly, maybe it is just THAT easy for some people. I am NOT one of those people! I honestly had no idea how dedicated you have to be to keep it up. I had no idea how hard it was going to be to know if your newborn baby is even getting enough milk. It feels like there should be a science to this, but because every baby and mom are different, there just isn't. My friend Sarah always made it look and sound so easy, and it's because it was for her. I can't tell you how many random texts, phone calls and emails she got from me because I needed to know first hand how she did things and why. It worked so dang well for her, I wanted to know the "Sarahmethod" of doing things!
This week makes it 12 weeks of breast feeding! I didn't even make it 12 days with Alana! I sure am proud of myself that I made it 12 weeks! Every single day I would question if today was the day I was going to stop. I swear, just ask my best friend, Crystal, every 12 hours it was a different answer. One day would be great, and then the next 12 hours would be hell. I was really taking it, one day at a time! Somehow I've made it to 12 weeks and still debate with myself if today is going to be that day.

I have 3 more weeks before I have to go back to work (where the hell did that time go?) and I plan to stop before I have to go back. All though I know my boss would be fine with me taking the time to pump, I just know how crazy work is and how busy it is and I don't want to have to do all the work of pumping while working. So my goal was to stop by the time I have to go back to work. Yes, I am proud and I could stop at anytime, but I still struggle with myself. I planned to stop for super selfish reasons. I know that you grow emotionally attached to breast feeding the longer you do it, so that is hard as well. But I do remember when I stopped with Alana, it was the biggest weight lifted off of my shoulders. Stopping this time was more painful physically then emotionally for me.

It's just that stupid "mom guilt" that hits me. BUT, in talking to one of my cousins last weekend, she brought up a good point. Moms always have "mom guilt" no matter what. If it's not breast feeding it's something else. I have to go back to work, I stayed home with Alana for a good year! If I go to work, I feel guilty for not giving Jack that same time with me. Not being the stay at home mom I was for Alana.  If I stay home and don't go back to work I feel guilty at home like I'm not being that one stay at home mom that we all know that is amazing and does everything! There is always something I am going to feel guilty about, so I'll just try and remember that and say SCREW IT! Stupid mom guilt!

I have to remind myself often that there are so many things that I do well as a mother! I ROCK at a lot of things and I need to remember that when I start to feel overwhelmed and like I am failing as a parent in one way or another! I can't tell you how many people have said how awesome Alana is for her age. She never went through the terrible 2's and she's almost 5. She has always been a calm, well mannered kid. (for the most part) I am strict with her and stick to my guns. She listens well (for the most part) and does we we ask of her. We did a great job with her. I know we still have the hardest years to come with a girl, but so far so good! I plan to be the same mom to Jack! I can only hope that we stick to what we do and he will be just as good as Alana! I have to keep telling myself that it is possible to have two awesome kids. Right?!?! Right.

I may not be super mom, but I am trying my best to keep up with these two babies I love! I can only hope that one day Alana will grow up and respect and love me as much as I did my own mom!